I find comfort in my insignificance

“We look our entire lives to get swept up in something grander than us and often the pursuit brings us something monumental and unchanging yes, but heartbreaking. To walk around on this ground in constant prayer for something bigger and then all of a sudden to find you’ve been underneath it the whole time, makes it feel like you’ve never had a sick day, it feels like you’ve never known what it was like to come home alone, it feels like you’ve never gone a day without knowing you were loved.” -Madeline on this experience

My family takes a vacation to the frio river every summer. A couple of years ago I took my best friend (soulmate) and we had so much fun floating the river but there was a life changing moment for both of us during this trip.

Details: When we go we stay at the river we stay at this absolutely beautiful pecan orchard. We stay in a house that’s just up the hill from the actual river. Down on the river there’s a 15-20 foot cliff you can jump off of into the water and a smaller little deep swimming hole that generally has less people around it. It is an actual pecan orchard so that part is also really cool. I somehow can’t find photos but I plan on taking a day trip up there at some point this summer and I will make sure to take plenty of photographs.

One night Madeline and I had walked across the road up to the headquarters building because it had wifi and there is absolutely no signal out there. We were face timing our friend and we started telling scary stories and ended up scaring ourselves. Once we hung up with our friend we started running back to the house because we were so freaked out and we were laughing so hard that at one point we stopped to catch our breath and that’s when she looked up. She grew up in Texas but through a long series of events, which deserve their own blog post, she ended up going to boarding school in New York. I tell you this because if you’re a native Texan what we saw won’t surprise you and that is why it surprised her. Stars. Millions and millions of stars littered the sky like confetti on the floor after a new years party. Silence fell over both of us because even when you’re used to skies full of stars and stories nothing prepares you for something that beautiful. Three stars fell across the sky and she turned to look at me and that is the moment my life changed a little. it’s hard to be cynical when  a face full of joy and wonder turns to you and asks if you’ve ever seen anything like that. You don’t want to say yes because you don’t want to risk effecting the look on her face at all. All I could do was smile. She was happy, so happy. We ran inside and got something to drink and wandered over to the top of the cliff. We just sat there and looked out over the sky and talked about all the stars had seen.

“These stars have seen epic love stories. They’ve seen Cleopatra and Antony, they’ve seen the building of the pyramids, they watch people fall in love under them, and they listen to wishes thrown at them. My relationship didn’t matter, the hurt he caused doesn’t matter to them. It’s insignificant.”

She was right, any pain I’d ever experienced didn’t matter to them. In that moment we both realized our own insignificance. It wasn’t upsetting or disheartening, it was honest. We understood that we matter very little to the universe. We mattered immensely to each other and other people in our life, but we couldn’t assign these grand meanings to our own pain and heartbreak because really it didn’t matter. I felt better.

When things go wrong I remember that the stars don’t care about me and I feel better.

-M

 

P.S I promise to be less angsty in my upcoming posts!

Leave a Reply